For Newborn Partners by Julia Meyer

Here is a Guide to help your partner understand what’s expected of them as a benchmark. This is really important in preparing for the arrival of your baby.

Dear Partner, There are a few things you should know about becoming a mum...

Mothering

As a mother, my primary responsibility is to engage in the act of "mothering," which encompasses a wide range of activities that contribute to the well-being and development of our family. While I recognise that there are domestic duties that need to be performed within the home, it is not solely my responsibility to take care of them.

I firmly believe that both of us have an equal share of responsibilities both inside and outside the household when it comes to our family. Each of us brings our unique strengths and skills, and we both add value in our respective ways.

It would be beneficial for us to have an open discussion about our responsibilities so that we can come to a fair and reasonable division of labor that recognises and appreciates each other's contribution to our home and family. By doing so, we can foster a more harmonious and supportive environment that benefits everyone.

"Baby Brain"

There is a scientific basis for the changes that occur in a woman's brain and hormones during pregnancy and postpartum. These changes can lead to a heightened sense of nurturing and protectiveness, which may make me seem more sensitive. Additionally, my brain may be more hypervigilant of my surroundings, which can affect my behaviour.

Factors such as sleep deprivation, stress, multitasking, hormonal depletion, or imbalance can impair my brain function and make it harder for me to cope with daily tasks. As a result, it would be helpful if you could support me by carrying some of the mental load. You can do this by asking how you can help and being willing to take on some of the responsibilities that may be overwhelming for me at the moment.

This will not only benefit me but also strengthen our relationship and allow us to navigate this transition together.

The Myth of a Perfect Mother

I may not fully embrace the role of a mother in the way you envisioned. Tasks such as breastfeeding, soothing the baby, and interpreting their signals are new to me, and I may struggle to perform them naturally. As a result, I may make mistakes and require your support and assistance to navigate this new role. Many of us have preconceived notions of what a mother should do, feel, look like, and behave.

These expectations are often ingrained through social conditioning, media, culture, family, and popular culture. I would appreciate it if you took some time to reflect on what you expected of me when I became a mother, and let's discuss how our expectations dier and what that means for our relationship moving forward.

Matresence

Did you know that the transition into motherhood is described by a term called Matrescence, which is comparable to adolescence?

Matrescence is a developmental process that involves changes in various aspects of a woman's life, such as biology, psychology, social, political, and spiritual factors. Unlike the expectation to "bounce back" after giving birth, this process of matrescence involves growth and transformation. It is normal to experience feelings of loss and confusion during this time, just as one may feel during adolescence.

It's possible to have conflicting emotions all at once and to feel like things are a bit messy, but it's all part of the matrescence process.

Intimacy

I've noticed that my body and hormonal changes have been affecting my desire for intimacy, as well as my physical readiness for it. It's natural for things to feel different, given the changes that have occurred. Additionally, at the end of the day, I may feel completely overwhelmed and may have reached my sensory tolerance, making touch the last thing on my mind. It would be helpful to discuss our intimate needs, both physical and emotional, and how we can meet them in different seasons of parenthood.

How can we maintain intimacy while balancing the demands of parenting? Let's talk about strategies and ways to prioritise our connection as a couple.

l Just Want to be Seen & Heard

I am grateful for your enthusiasm to tackle problems and find solutions. I appreciate how you challenge me to see things from a different perspective, which can be very helpful. However, at times, what I really need is for you to actively listen to me without jumping in with solutions right away. While I understand that you may not fully grasp the emotions I am experiencing, it would mean a lot to me if you could make an effort to empathise and understand my point of view. I will communicate with you when I am seeking your help in problem-solving. Thank you for being supportive.

External Validation

As you are aware, I am taking a break from work/study/sport to focus on my role as a mother and recover. While I appreciate the opportunity to assume this important role, I miss the recognition and validation that come with my usual pursuits. Even though our child/children may not express their appreciation, I value your support at home tremendously.

As I work on building my self-confidence and self-worth, I would greatly appreciate your acknowledgment when you notice that I have done something well or when you feel grateful for something that I have done. This will help me feel valued and motivated to keep doing my best.

Let's take a moment to discuss our love languages, both mine and yours. This will help us understand how to express love and appreciation to each other in ways that truly resonate.

Love Language

Did you know that each person has a unique way of expressing and receiving love? This is known as their "love language." There are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Quality Time, and Gifts. Because everyone has their own love language, it can sometimes be difficult to understand what someone is trying to convey.

If you're interested in learning more about your love language, you can take an online quiz. Once you know your love language, you can try experimenting with different ways of expressing your love to your partner or loved ones. For example, if your love language is Words of Armation, you might try expressing your appreciation for them more frequently. If their love language is Physical Touch, you might try giving them a hug or holding their hand more often.

By understanding each other's love languages and making an effort to express our love in ways that are meaningful to the other person, we can strengthen our relationships and deepen our connections.

Our Relationship Matters

Our lives have undergone significant changes as we embrace parenthood and redefine our roles within the family. As we adjust to this new reality, I understand that you, too, are learning how to be a parent and adapting to this new chapter in our lives. I appreciate your efforts to support me and bond with our new baby.

I acknowledge that this transition can be challenging for both of us, and I would like to hear more about your experience. How are you feeling about the changes that have taken place? What have been the biggest challenges and rewards for you so far?

While we focus on our new roles as parents, I also believe it's important to prioritise our relationship and maintain some of the things we enjoyed doing together before the baby's arrival. Can we work together to figure out how to make time for those activities that bring us joy and help us feel connected? I look forward to finding a way to balance our new responsibilities with our relationship.

Recommended Reading

Baby on Board by Dr. Howard Chilton
Baby Brain by Dr. Sarah McKay
The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
The Discontented Little Baby Book by Dr. Pamela Douglas
Raining a Secure Child by Kent Homan, Bert Powell, Glen Cooper, Christine M. Benton