Let’s be conscious.
Be aware and be present. You usually don’t know if someone or a couple are trying to conceive, so don’t make insensitive comments.
Here are some tips on what not to say, and how to respond if you find yourself in this position:
“JUST RELAX!” - Typically, the people who say this have never dealt with infertility. Not to mention, this just makes me stress more! I wish people would be supportive instead.
What to Say Back: “I don’t think relaxing will lower my FSH levels. Thanks, though.”
“IT WILL HAPPEN ONCE YOU STOP TRYING.” - It’s not as easy as being able to just stop trying. You can’t just stop trying to have a family. It’s much better to say something encouraging like, ‘How can I help you through this?
What to Say Back: “Really? I thought you did have to have sex to make a baby!”
“YOU DON’T LOOK INFERTILE!” - Infertility strikes all types of people — it doesn’t discriminate based on physical appearances. The best thing people can do is ask how they can be supportive. The answer will be different for each person, but it’s nice to know someone is there for you.
What to Say Back: “Well you do.” (Okay, we know you won’t really say this. But admit it, you’ll be thinking it!)
“IT’S A SIGN THAT YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND WOULDN’T MAKE HEALTHY BABIES TOGETHER.” - Instead of hurtful statements like this, I think the best kind of support comes from friends and family who remember when your treatments are and text you afterwards to see if you want to talk. Sometimes you don’t want to talk about it, but it’s nice to know they’re there for me.
What to Say Back: “That’s a really horrible thing to say.”
“BOTH OF YOU SHOULD LOSE WEIGHT. THEN YOU’LL GET PREGNANT FOR SURE.” - That one hurt! I think it’s best to not say anything at all and just lend a listening ear.
What to Say Back: “We’re trying…in the bedroom, that is!”
“DON’T WORRY; YOU’RE YOUNG!” - This is ridiculous. Some women and men in their 20’s struggle with infertility. I wish that people would say, ‘It’s great that you want to start a family!’
What to Say Back: “Yeah, imagine how much harder it could be when I get older!”
“I TRIED FOR TWO WEEKS, AND BAM, I GOT PREGNANT.” - That’s great Susan, but I’d love for people to not feel the need to tell me about how “easy” it was for them. It’s irrelevant.
What to Say Back: “Well, we don’t all have it that easy… Susan”
“IF YOU’RE THIS STRESSED ABOUT TTC, YOU’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO HANDLE THE STRESS OF BEING A MOM.” - Hugs are way better than this.
What to Say Back: “I’d love that kind of stress.”
“JUST STOP ALL THOSE FANCY TREATMENTS — IT WILL HAPPEN NATURALLY!” - Instead, I really appreciate when people say things like ‘when you are parents’ or ‘when you are pregnant.’ It offers hope.
What to Say Back: “It’s not happening naturally.”
“OH, YOUR HUSBAND SHOOTS BLANKS?” - Um, not exactly. Thank you for your kind words about a very difficult situation! Make sure you create the right support system. Some days you just don’t want to talk about it.
What to Say Back: “Do you want to know how big it is, too?”
“YOU’RE SO LUCKY YOU DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH MORNING SICKNESS OR LABOR!” - I don’t think anyone enjoys puking their brains out, but suggesting that I should be grateful that I don’t have to deal with those things is insensitive.
What to Say Back: “No one likes getting sick, but if that’s what comes with pregnancy, sign me up!”